Imagine, just IMAGINE, what if I were to meet a reborn Koose Muniswamy Veerappan (1942-2004) in the thicker than his moustachio-n-beard jungles of Karnataka.
Truly, to save my dear life, I suspect our conversation would go like this.
Me: Veers, I must tell you Mr Ram Gopal Varma has made a Kannada film. (Groaning, moaning) And now, a Hindi film on your dastardly deeds which I have suffered through.
Veerappan: Really, who’s this Varmappan? I will slaughter him, apply sandalwood paste all over him and feed him to the elephants. (Scratching beard) I hope you’re not talking about that chap who made Satya centuries ago. I actually liked Satya. And oh I remember now, my most trusted lieutenants have told me that he has a compulsive disorder about me. (Pensively) Let him make a film, many films about me. I like to be remembered as the next best thing after Gabbar Singh. What’s your problem, dude?
Me: Veers, you come across as the next worst thing after Gabby Singh, actually. Even Google confirms that you exterminated a countless number of human beings and haathis mere saathis.
Veerappan: Shut your gob. And stop calling me Veers! Familiarity breeds contempt. I will feed you to the hungriest tusker if you don’t mind your tongue. Just call me Bossy.
Me: Yes, yes Bossy, Biggest Bossy. But I must tell you this kinda biopic of yours, is a non-stop show of blood, sadism, violence.
Veerappan: Haainhhh! Blood, sadism, violence, all are same-same. You Reviewerappans exaggerate. Bad, bad. Now don’t badmouth that Satya chap just to save your life. I intend to cut you into tiny pieces and feed you to the Jumbos in this jungle. (Scowls) Such things are necessary in Mera Frown Mera Desh. Every society gets the rascala reviewers, like you, which it deserves.
Me: (Clowns) Heh heh, kya bolta tu? Begging to differ Bossy…
Veerappan: You mean Biggest Bossy.
Me: Yes yes, very much begging your pardon Biggest Bossy. But do you know our filmmaker even quotes Voltaire to say, “Every society gets the criminal it deserves.”
Veerappan: Who’s this Voltaire Foltaire?
Me: Even I don’t know, Biggest Bossy. To digress thodasa, Wikipedia ascribes the quote variously to Robert Kennedy and Emma Goldman.
Veerappan: Stop showing off, too many names you are telling.
Me: Chalo, edkum stopped! Anyway, your biopic semi-fictionalised and all that, even shows a police officer who has co-produced the film, a Mr Sachiin Joshi who acts more woodenly than Suneil Shetty. Plus there’s Lisa Ray playing a widow whose cop husband has been slain.
Veerappan: Shut up you fool, I rather used to like Suneil Shetty and I adored Lisa Ray in the music video Aafreen Aafreen something something. If Sachiin is like Suneil, I want to see the film. (Calling out to henchguys) Pirated DVD mangao!
Me: No, no the mango season is over.
Veerappan: I said mangao, not mango. You are dumb, and deaf too. Chhhheeeee. By the way, who enacts my role? Is it one of the Khans I keep hearing about? Or is it Amitabh Bachchan even if I’m younger than him. I like Mr Bachchan.
Me: Sorry sorry. A new actor from the National School of Drama enacts your goodself. Looks quite like you.
Veerappan: How dare you! No one can look like me. I will keeeel you, nonsense you talk. (Eyes soften) Does Priyanka Chopra or better still Deepika Padukone enact my wife? Even Kangana Ranaut is okay.
Me: Sorry, sorry, Muthulakshmiji is portrayed by National Award winner Usha Jadhav.
Veerappan: (Bolts of thunder and lightning) Whatttt! Namumkin! I like glamour, not realistic acting-shacting. Enough, enough, I have to retire now to my Royal Mowgli bedroom suite. You have anything more to say in your defence you Reviewerappan? Say something sensible or your head will roll. I will count till 5. One…two…
Me: You’re counting too fast.
Veerappan: Three..four..
Me: Wait, wait, wait, Biggest Boss. I enlist in your gang of bandits at this very moment.
Veerappan: Cool cool. So, I’m assigning you a deadly task now only. Go undercover, join that RGV as his assistant and make a real classic about me. Title it Koose Muniswamy Veerappan Ki Aag.
Me: (placing trembling head on the chopping block) Sorry Veers, no can do. I’d rather be no more. Goodbye to such cruel cinema, goodbye cruel society.
Image Source: twitter/RGVzoomin & Morningcable