OMG, WTfish :( :( EWWW :( :( ***(!???. All the abbreviations, emoticons and what-have-yous in the world can’t repair my headspace. I’ve just wormed-n-squirmed my way through Divya Khosla Kumar’s Sanam Re. Arre re.
Don’t do this to me, DKKji, in the name of cinema pliz. Pretty pliz. I have suffered, and am convinced that I’m a daft duffer for venturing into a 5.30 pm show of Sanam Re at the Metro-Big Cinema ‘plex on the opening day. All around the mood was a deep shade of grey, with a countable number of fellow viewers on my fingers and toes. Quite, an Empty Space Oddity 2016, it was. Sowwwie.
At the very outset, let me announce that my teeth went on edge when a cherub chortled, “So when will I find my wife, dadu?” Worse on being confined to a hospital bed for minor injuries, the cherub quizzed his tiny tot girlfriend, “Will you marry me?” Whatz oops, kiddiez?
Not the bacha log’s fault actually since the script assigns them such suggestive, extra-early suhaag raat innuendoes. Am shocked, even in it’s all in the name of chweetie-pie, childhood romantic scenes.
Okay, so Fitoor had an early teen going gaga too, over the girl-in-haveli. But hell-oh, in Sanam Etc, the kid has barely lost his milk teeth. Come to blink of it, a trend of sorts has been established this week. Clearly, age has nothing to do with the love biz. Blush, blush, guys why the rush?
Anyway, once the bachpana footage is done with (mercy be), the cherub has turned into a not-too-bright corporate executive (Pulkit Samrat). His boss who, marauds the quotable quotes of someone he calls Saaxpeare, is fiercely fast and furious. How curious! Unless Exec can immediately snag an unspecified contract from one Mrs. Pablo (Urvashi Rautela) pronto, he’ll be whacked-n-sacked. Ensues the big question: To keep the job or not to job? Sob.
In the quest of job-preservation, Exec flies to snow-clad Canada. Mrs. Pablo’s at a spa, donning outfits for cabaret items. Btw, I ignore that, have to, since Exec’s childhood aashiqui (Yami Gautam) pops up at this spa to enliven the story, in VAIN.
Next: Mrs. Pablo and Bachpan ki Cutie, both fall head over high heels in love with this undeserving Exec. Meanwhile, a scream-out-loud Chief Yoga Instructor (TV comedienne Bharti Singh) at this chilly spa, advocates cuddle therapy. For some indecipherable reason, Yoga Bai also shows off a Godman who has frozen into a snowman. Brrrrrr.
More: Since flight tickets and visas seem to grow on trees, Amorous Exec, Childhood Cutie and Shrimati Pablo zip-zap all over the continents from Canada, New Delhi and an unmapped spot called Tanakpur.
Family Duties before beauties, though. Hence Exec has to hang out in Tanakpur frequently to save his dear old dadu’s (Rishi Kapoor wasted) heritage photo studio. Yo? “How’s that possible in the time of cellphone (cameras)?” ruminates Exec. Hmmmm.
Not content with these addled events, Cutie and Lady Pablo are blizzarded with personal dilemmas. By now I care a dried fig about what happens to whom. The characterisations are straight out of a cartoon factory.
Okie dokie, the music score’s cool but the choreography’s as uncool. And the locations must have cost a bomb. Speaking of which, who on earth was that portly Canadian sheriff? He takes his clothes off and emits an ear-deafening sound (a mega- fart). No kidding.
Of the performances, Pulkit Samrat wears such a blank face that it resembles a kora kaagaz. Yami Gautam is just about endurable. As for former Miss India, Urvashi Rautela, she won’t have you going wowee. Ewffff you know what I mean.
Enough is enough. Sanam Re just doesn’t kindle a Re of Hope. Unsolicited advice: Ladies and lads, stay at home instead. Believe you moi. Pliz.
Image Source: twitter/chintskap & T-Series